Principles: Equanimity

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

A mountain

          The human brain may be capable of many wonderful capabilities, but its primary task is to keep us alive and out of danger. When we experience the unexpected, the brain chemically creates an emotional response to convince the body to react. Yet fear (fleeing) or anger (fighting) isn’t the best option to deal with every situation. Rather than react, we can choose to stay grounded in the moment and respond with discernment. Equanimity is calm awareness even in the midst of an emotional surge. It isn’t indifference or inertia, but the ability to observe without being caught up and swept away. We can use that ‘rush’ we feel as a warning to pause; mindfulness is the key. Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor explained that an automatic emotional response will only last 90 seconds unless we fuel it with our thoughts. Those types of thoughts are generally about how this situation is going to affect us. If we let go of such self-identification with the event, we create a much larger space around the experience. We then simply note what is actually happening; a less narrow perspective gives us a wider view of possible choices. Then we are better able to respond skillfully and compassionately.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.

~ Viktor Frankl

Principles: Acceptance

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Sandcastle being overpowered by an ocean wave

          “Two Arrows” is a Buddhist discourse that teaches pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. What in the world does this mean? The first arrow represents the distress we experience as an unavoidable, natural part of living. Everyone eventually deals with such things as loss, sickness, and grief in this ever-changing world. The second arrow signifies the mental suffering we create when we refuse to accept this reality. We react as if the situation should not be happening or have happened; we demand that things be different than they are. As a result, we may be consumed by self-pity, fear, anger or despair. The more we resist or fight what we don’t have the power to change, the more we add to our original pain. Life may have hit us with the first arrow, but we shoot ourselves with the second one. An option that won’t increase our pain is acceptance – we become receptive to our experience without feeling uniquely targeted. We adopt a realistic humility and realize that unfortunate and unpleasant events happen to everyone, not just us. We can then deal with the emotions caused by the actual event without increasing our misery. Our focus is freed from unproductive chaos and drama to how we can compassionately care for all those affected.

When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100% of the time.

~ Byron Katie

Principles: Detachment

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

A spiny orb weaver on its web

          At times our concern and efforts to help other people can get tangled up with the results we hope to achieve. If a person fails to accept our assistance or apply our advice, we might react by trying harder or using a different approach. Yet once our sense of self-worth or feelings of peace and contentment become tied to the hoped-for result, our ‘help’ can more closely resemble control. Control might take the form of over-protection, unintentionally reinforcing the person’s unhealthy behavior. At the other extreme, we might attempt to manipulate them through threats or shame. At this point, we need help ourselves. Detachment allows us to step back and take a wider view of the situation. It doesn’t mean we become indifferent or uncaring; what we unhook from are our negative emotions (fear, anger, despair) and our irrational thoughts (‘my happiness depends on their behavior’). Detachment helps us realize the only mind we have the power to change is our own. Objectivity makes it clear that we can’t fix anyone. Neither do we have the right to deprive another person of any challenges which might help them learn to be responsible. We may point the way and offer encouragement, but we can’t do the work for them.

The three things I can’t change are the past, the truth and you.

~ Anne Lamott

Principles: Tolerance

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

An oxpecker on an impala

          When the topic of tolerance comes up, cynics often complain that it is necessary to make judgments in life. Yet there is an important distinction between the kinds of judging we do. Judging a person based on whether we find them likable is simply a subjective opinion (which often defines us more than the other person). It is quite different from judging a situation that offers us impartial, useful information (for instance on safety or progress). While tolerance does include avoiding biased conclusions, it is more than simply putting up with difficult people. It involves approaching people who are different with an objective attitude while treating them with respect. Tolerance allows us to live peacefully and work cooperatively with each other. This principle gives us a chance to widen our knowledge and educate ourselves beyond our own personal experiences. We may not understand what it’s like to live in someone else’s skin, but we can make a start by being unafraid to look at reality from their perspective instead of just ours. In doing so, we might discover we have much more in common with them than we originally thought.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Principles: Contentment

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Lion enjoying a sunny day

          Most of us constantly crave something we think will bring us satisfaction, but once we obtain it, we quickly lose interest. We immediately begin chasing the next pleasure in hopes that this time it will produce lasting happiness. The allure of the material world is endless, yet it can never fill the inner void we find inside. The problem is not material things themselves, but the way we try to use them. An enduring feeling of peaceful satisfaction is an attitude that comes from a spiritual focus rather than a material one. Here are some suggestions to cultivate contentment in our lives: 

• Go outdoors – An appreciation of nature can have a calming effect. The seasons remind us that change is a normal part of life. What else can we observe and learn from the natural world today?
• Arrange priorities – Write a list with needs (essentials) at the top and wants (nonessentials) at the bottom. Do we have what we truly need?
• Recognize freedom of choice – We have a choice about what we dwell on and how we spend our time. When doing a task we don’t enjoy, we can keep our mind on the activity itself instead of where we’d prefer to be. Helping others (in whatever way we can) is a sure way to shift the focus from our own discontent to a more positive place. Do our thoughts and activities nurture our spirit or leave us feeling empty and restless?
• Live in the present – Expectations that never materialize can set us up for frustration and create anxiety about the future. Do we dwell in the past, the present or the future?
• Talk to others – Deep communication with people we trust can give us a feeling of belonging; they can help us be aware of the resources we have. Is our focus on what we lack or what we have?

It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. 

~ Dale Carnegie

Principles: Patience

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Giant panda snail

          Patience can be defined as the ability to calmly endure a situation without complaint. It implies three qualities:

1. Restraint – Rarely does going berserk ever improve a situation. Before frustration escalates to anger, we need to be able to recognize the mental and physical clues that lead to such a reaction. Impatient thoughts revolve around the words 'I, me, my and mine.' We may notice our muscles tightening, particularly in the jaw, neck, and shoulders, and our heart may begin to race. When these red flags appear, pause, take a few conscious deep breaths and focus on something that doesn’t involve those four words.
2. Endurance – Attempting to be patient in trying circumstances is like working out at the gym. The more we practice, the more we develop and strengthen this trait in ourselves.
3. Recognition – Do we believe we put up with more irritations than other people? Are we entitled to less aggravation than the rest of the world? These beliefs only create more frustration, not less. We are not unique; everyone has their daily share of obstacles and annoyances. From a long-range viewpoint, how important is this delay or complication? Rather than becoming angry, is there anything constructive we can do?

We are impatient for the future and try to craft it with our own powers, but the future will come as it comes and will not be hurried. 

~ Dean Koontz

Principles: Open-mindedness

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Open bloom of a ‘Cup and Saucer’ vine

          Open-mindedness involves being receptive to new ideas, including those that conflict with our current beliefs. Imagine life as a giant, faceted gemstone that sits in the middle of a large circle. Humanity stands on the edge of the circle thinking that the perspective they can from is reality. But what about the view others have from the opposite side? Their side may look completely different from the perspective we can see from, but that doesn’t mean theirs is wrong or terrible. It’s just different. A viewpoint is simply a view from a certain point on the rim of that circle. Having an open mind doesn’t mean we have to give up what we believe. Instead, we realize we aren’t all-knowing and at times can be wrong. There may even be more than one explanation. Though we might feel vulnerable when our ideas are challenged, having an attitude of openness has immense benefits. It allows us to be more adaptable and less stressed during times of change. We are able to think logically and look at evidence rather than base our belief solely on how we feel about something. Because we can see different sides of a situation, it becomes easier to find a solution that best fits a particular need. Our information stays up-to-date and life is always interesting because we continue to learn.  Open-mindedness permits us to walk around the entire circle and glimpse life from a variety of standpoints.

The most formidable chains are forged from beliefs. …If I believe in one proposition, I have become locked behind the door of that belief, and all other doors of learning and freedom, although standing open and waiting for me to enter, are now closed to me.

~ Gerry Spence

Principles: Mindfulness

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Splash of a raindrop

          Who hasn’t stayed up too late trying to finish a project only to suffer the consequences the next day? Or, who hasn’t rushed around fulfilling obligations then suddenly felt irritable from hunger after missing a meal? Mindfulness allows us to pause and check in with ourselves no matter what activity we’re doing. While meditation is a more formal practice that helps us train the mind, mindfulness is the practice of purposefully paying attention to our thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment in the middle of everything. This reconnection to the present takes us off autopilot as we experience each moment objectively as a witness. Instead of getting stressed out by the narrative we’re writing about what is happening, we simply watch each moment as it unfolds. We stop wandering around in the past or the future and simply observe the present moment with curiosity. Such attention can ground us and bring clarity, keeping us from acting impulsively. For instance, we may notice our thoughts are hastily constructing a snide remark; we can choose to pause and check our motives (and what lies beneath them). Such mindful spot-checks can keep us in the present while allowing us to navigate life with awareness.

The little moments? They aren’t little. 

~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

Principles: Simplicity

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Zen garden

          Simplicity is the quality of being uncomplicated and straightforward. This principle can prevent our lives from becoming chaotic and melodramatic. When we communicate with others, do we keep things simple by speaking succinctly and being clear about what we mean? Talking more than is needed can make us appear arrogant or manipulative and create distrust. When we’re on the listening end of a conversation, do we pay attention fully or over-analyze and critique what we hear? Instead of making assumptions that could cause unnecessary anger or fear, we can ask questions to gain clarity. In our daily lives, projections about the future or generalizations based on the past can create frustration or anxiety too. Rather than jumping to conclusions, we can keep things simple by accepting as truth only what has hard evidence to back it up. We are likely to find our minds have magnified an issue into something that doesn’t remotely resemble reality. Simplicity keeps our focus on what is important instead of what has only been imagined.

Simplicity is prerequisite for reliability. 

~ Edsger Kijkstra

For more information on simplicity, see this post.

Principles: Faith

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Otter floating on its back

          Faith for the nonreligious might seem like an unneeded principle to add to the spiritual toolbox. This viewpoint is usually held because faith gets confused with belief. Belief is a product of the mind, while faith is a product of personal experience. Beliefs are not based on facts but on preconceived ideas and opinions about truth.  They are founded on what is desired and hoped for rather than evidence. Alternatively, faith unfolds as we pay attention with curiosity rather than rigid judgment. We decide to keep an open mind and see what happens. As Alan Watts explained, we don’t grab hold of anything; we just “relax and float.” Faith enables us to try once more and trust again. Though we may learn from the past, we don’t use it to over-generalize in the present. Beginning faith may start from the confidence we see in others, but it is our own investigation that will ground it. We put ideas into practice, staying open to our experience without reservation and to whatever the truth might turn out to be. Faith then becomes an open-hearted orientation to life rather than a never-changing position. 

When you know for yourselves that, ‘These qualities are skillful; these qualities are blameless; these qualities are praised by the wise; these qualities, when adopted and carried out, lead to welfare and to happiness’ — then you should enter and remain in them.

~ Siddhārtha Gautama

For more information on faith, see this post.

Principles: Courage

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Petunia growing up through a crack in concrete

          Fear can arise when we face loss, opposition or physical injury/death. Courage can be an anchor when anxiety tries to override our ability to take prudent action. But how do we find inner strength when it feels as if we have none? First, consider whether assumptions or expectations that have no concrete basis are creating unnecessary worry. Sort out the factual evidence from fiction. Second, examine the motivation behind the intended action. Is its importance greater and more far-reaching than what underlies the fear? What are the costs of inaction versus the benefits of action? Third, ask trusted friends and advisors for their support. It is likely they have stories of how they overcame challenges that could be an inspiration. Finally, commit to taking a small step toward your goal. Sometimes just showing up can be a good start. Each time we are willing to confront uncertainty, risk or suffering by acting with purpose, we develop courage and plant seeds for courageous action in the future.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

~ James Niel Hollingworth

For more information on courage, see this post.

Principles: Gratitude

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Dolphin leaping out of the ocean

          We’re frequently encouraged to develop an optimistic outlook in recovery. Yet the human brain is wired for negative bias – we’re built with a greater sensitivity to what is unpleasant to keep us out of harm’s way. As neuropsychologist Rick Hanson describes it, “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.” Research shows that we need a ratio of five positive encounters/thoughts to balance out a single negative one. Hanson suggests three steps to aid in rebalancing this predisposition:

1. Look for good facts and turn them into good experiences.
2. Really enjoy the experience.
3. Intend and sense that the good experience is sinking into you.

          Gratitude is the recognition and appreciation of what is good; it is an ongoing way to perceive life. It can make us aware of the resources we have instead of what we lack. Yet gratitude requires a conscious effort:

• Do we slow down enough to notice small, unexpected joys – a good cup of coffee, the smile of a stranger or a group of roadside wildflowers?
• Can we appreciate the people who operate in the background, yet whose services make our lives easier?
• Are we grateful for what we’ve been spared?
• Instead of assuming the worst, can we acknowledge we often just don’t know how things will turn out?
• What small kindnesses have we received with no conditions attached?

Listing the good things we experience and reflecting on them can keep the heart from becoming calloused and provide a welcoming space for happiness.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.

~ Melody Beattie

For more information on gratitude, see this post.

Principles: Forgiveness

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Maple tree releasing a fall leaf

          Forgiveness can feel like we’re letting someone off a hook on which they should hang for all eternity. The irony is that the person actually hooked is the one filled with angry bitterness. Resentment is our greatest obstacle to joy. We operate under the delusion that by holding on to our anger, it will make us feel better, punish the offender, or somehow change what happened. A clear and honest look at our resentments will show evidence to the contrary. The hesitancy to forgive might be caused by misunderstandings about the process itself. Forgiveness means we accept the reality of what has happened and find a way to live peacefully with it. It requires courage and clarity, and it may begin with outrage and grief to honor our loss. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we condone what was done, nor do we have to allow it to happen again. How do we begin to release the rawness of such emotion? It is helpful to stop replaying the incident over and over in our head; such repetition only stokes the fire of anger. Meditation can be a beneficial tool in this regard. It is also useful to remember that there is an injury behind every wrong or shortcoming. We can understand this view by looking at our own faults and the conditions that shaped our subsequent decisions and actions. Acknowledging our own flaws may soften our heart, as we recognize the imperfection of all humans. Perhaps the most important thing to realize is that only in forgiveness we will find relief and peace.

Without forgiveness our lives are chained, forced to carry the sufferings of the past and repeat them with no release. 

~ Jack Kornfield

For more information on forgiveness, see this post.

Principles: Humility

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

A rose, daisy and dandelion flower

          When we are humble, we feel neither inferior nor superior to another person. Humility sits in the middle of two extremes, with arrogance at one end and unworthiness at the other. Arrogance causes us to think our time, energy and opinions are more valuable than those of anyone else. We feel as if we should take center stage, talk as much as we want, and be given leeway in whatever we do. The other extreme is no closer to humility; a label of worthlessness keeps us from speaking up or taking an active role that could be constructive. Humility requires that we take up an appropriate amount of space, not just physically but in all areas. For instance, we create space for others during a conversation when we listen instead of only talk. There are ways we can move closer to the center point of humility instead of remaining at an extreme. For those of us full of pride, we take the focus off of ourselves by sincerely looking for superior qualities in other people (such as honesty, friendliness, etc.). For those of us who feel unworthy, we can stop comparing ourselves to other people. Instead, we can use our own progress as our yardstick. There are benefits to developing the trait of humility:

• Being humble allows us to consider other viewpoints, which can lead to a greater understanding of the truth.
• Being humble helps us become more tolerant and accepting of those who perceive the world differently than we do.
• Being humble brings a greater sense of inner peace; we don’t get frustrated by unrequited entitlement or resentful because of envy. We feel grateful for what we do have.

Humility frees us up to use all our gifts and talents to the best of our abilities by enabling us to accept our limitations and vulnerabilities as well as our strengths. With humility we can enjoy our achievements without unnecessary ego-inflation or -deflation; we are neither full of ourselves nor do we pick ourselves apart. And being humble doesn't mean that we stop trying to better ourselves. We are all works in progress!

~ Estelle Frankel

Principles: Generosity

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Dog sharing food with raccoon

          Ba’al Shem Tov, the founder of Hasidism, gave a description of hell and heaven that perfectly compares the traits of self-centeredness and generosity. Hell, he explained, was similar to a huge banquet table loaded with delicious food. Unfortunately, the people sitting at the table could eat none of it. Attached to their hands were forks six feet in length, which they couldn’t get to their mouths. Heaven had the same sort of table and forks, but here each person fed the person directly across from them. We are generous when we willingly share our resources, including our time, energy and attention. What is given with generosity has value and meaning to us. Sometimes our hearts are moved, and we give easily. At other times, our fears and biases hold us back. Although there’s no need to become impoverished or overburdened, we can practice giving during such times to challenge our ego’s resistance. These actions may eventually soften our heart, allowing us to experience the warmth and joy that result from unconditional altruism. It is not the magnitude of any deed that will shape our character, but the decision to consistently choose a selfless rather than selfish response.

Real generosity means not only giving something practical that will be of help to someone, it also means changing something in yourself. 

~ Alan Morinis

For more information on generosity, see this post.

Principles: Compassion and Kindness

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Prairie dogs greeting each other

          Compassion requires courage, attention, and patience; it can be described as the willingness to sit with suffering without running or ducking. The door to compassion unlocks when we resolve to be open to our own pain, acknowledging it as a natural part of life. However, self-compassion should not be confused with a 'woe is me' frame of mind or self-indulgent behavior. Instead, we begin by being gentle with ourselves while neither exaggerating nor dismissing our pain. As we come to understand that we are not unique in our suffering, we move beyond a self-centered focus and see our connection to others (pain is universal). Bearing witness to another person's pain can create a feeling of vulnerability in us. As a result, compassion can masquerade as pity or despair. Pity puts up a wall of separation between us and the other person. Although we feel sorry for them, we refuse to accept their pain as a reflection of our own. At the other extreme, despair immerses us completely in the suffering of the other person; we become overwhelmed by the emotion. Neither approach is constructive because they make us blind to any strengths and resources that might provide relief. Even when circumstances cannot be changed, caring attention can provide the support needed to move through suffering. Compassion opens the heart wide to all of life’s experiences, joy included. Tonglen practice (from the Buddhist tradition) is one way to help us cultivate this quality.

          Kindness means that our caring attitude leads to benevolent action. In order for our actions to be benevolent, they should have no hidden agendas; our goodwill should not be tied to any expectations. To do otherwise would mean our behavior is simply selfish. Neither is kindness is meant to be doled out to those who look like us or share our beliefs, as this too is self-serving. How can we be caring when we don’t feel all warm and fuzzy toward a person? Some people or groups can seem undeserving of kindness. In these situations, it may be helpful to remember that life is hard for everyone, even if we can’t see past the outer wrappings.  Loving-kindness meditation is useful in developing kindness, particularly toward those folks we find hard to tolerate. There may be times, however, when the most helpful action is no action - when our aid might enable unhealthy behavior. Discernment can clarify what action is likely to be beneficial in the long run.

Seeing kindness as profound and powerful helps us differentiate kindness and niceness. When someone looks at us with the concern of kindness, we feel seen. There is a sense of connection that is being mutually recognized, and in that we feel our value as humans.

~ Sharon Salzberg

For more information on compassion and kindness, see this post.

Principles: Trustworthiness

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Sunrise

To be trustworthy means to be dependable and responsible. It is a quality earned only through respectful relationships. The three “Cs” encompass trustworthiness:

1. Credibility – Do we avoid distorting the facts when we tell about an event or pass along information? For instance, do we exaggerate details (to make us look good) or leave out details (to keep us from looking bad)? We need to be honest to be credible.
2. Consistency – Do we follow up our intentions and promises in a timely manner with action? 
3. Consideration – Do we keep confidences and avoid gossiping? Do we contact others when we realize what we’ve promised has been delayed or will need to be postponed?

Without dependability, one’s ability may be a liability instead of an asset. 

~ Woodrow Wilson

For more information on trustworthiness, see this post.

Principles: Discernment

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Opossum “playing possum”

          Discernment is the ability to see clearly and objectively. What prevents us from perceiving our experiences and circumstances in this way?

• Wishful thinking – We want something desperately to be as we desire; we long for it and deny what is actually there.
• Opinionated thinking – Our biases, prejudices, and preferences can keep us from seeing a complete picture; we wear blinders that filter out what we don’t agree with.
• Emotional thinking – Intensely felt emotions can make us see in shades of one color only, effectively shutting off the logical, reasonable part of our brain. 

In the long run, it is for more dangerous to adhere to illusion than to face what the actual fact is. 
~ David Bohm

For more information on discernment, see this post.

Service

Marigolds used as companion plants in a vegetable garden

          As we forge ahead on the road of recovery, at some point we’ll realize we’ve had a spiritual awakening. Our lives look different, not because things outside of us have changed, but because we’ve had an inner transformation. Our perception of life and how we relate to it are no longer based on old patterns of behavior. We’ve discovered an inner resource of strength and wisdom independent of the ego. This emotional balance and new level of awareness are sustained by making our spiritual principles and practices a priority. Many of us are filled with gratitude for this shift, and it spills over as generosity. These feelings are what form the foundation for another necessary practice – service. Just as others offered us wisdom and guidance when we struggled, we in turn offer it to those who reach out for help. Service involves benevolent aid given freely without expectations. It permits us to have a first-hand, practical experience with selflessness and pulls us out of our own self-orbit. Our own understanding may deepen as we mentor another person. We may be surprised to find that even if our efforts don’t appear to make a difference in another, they make a difference in us.

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the power to turn a life around. 

~ Leo Buscaglia

For more information on service, see this post.

Prayer and Meditation

Great blue heron patiently watching beneath the water

          Genuine prayer involves both humility and selflessness. It recognizes the need to move ‘self’ out of the way in order to open our hearts and minds. For those who are a part of organized religion, prayer is probably a normal part of one’s spiritual training. In recovery, we are trying to be less self-absorbed, so our prayers should not be an attempt to get something for our exclusive benefit. For example, asking one’s higher power to win the lottery might be considered self-seeking behavior, but asking to be directed toward a way to support our family would not. But how are those who don’t have a specific divine power supposed to pray? Prayer for oneself could be considered an intention, an aspiration to work toward. For instance, the Serenity Prayer could be used in this way: “May I cultivate the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” Prayers for other people can be considered thoughts of goodwill for them. As we pray for the strength and comfort we want them to receive, it allows us to consider other people’s needs and struggles instead of just our own. Before any type of prayer, it is important to check one’s motives for pride or selfishness.
  We often look at meditation in the same light as prayer: “What’s in it for me?” Pema Chodron writes, “We do not meditate for comfort.” Trying to maintain a blissful state while avoiding reality is a form of spiritual bypass; meditation is not about escape but seeing with clarity and wisdom. As Chodron explains, “it gives us the opportunity to have an open, compassionate attentiveness to whatever is going on.” In meditation, there’s no need to stop one’s thoughts; only an attitude of curiosity is necessary. There are three stages of awareness we’ll uncover if we persist in this practice. In the first, we learn to use a simple ‘support’ (such as the breath) to focus on. Having such a tether helps us stay in the present moment and out of the past or future. Even if our mind wanders for most of the time, we’ll begin to experience a greater sense of calm and relaxation if we persevere. The second stage involves training the mind. As we continue our meditation practice, we’ll begin to recognize more quickly when our mind is distracted by thoughts or sensations. What purpose does it serve when we gently bring back the mind over and over again? Though we can’t control thoughts, we can learn to guide the mind in a different, more useful direction. Then we won’t be at the mercy of what we think or feel. In the third stage, we may discover our mind doesn’t get as easily hooked by passing thoughts and sensations. We begin to recognize their impermanence. Our narrow view of reality – shaped by our opinions, preferences, and prejudices – starts to widen as we realize life is more spacious than the ‘self’ we’ve constructed. Connecting with this limitless awareness can help us change how we perceive the world and allow us to relate to it with wisdom and equanimity.

Conscious breathing is my anchor. 

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

For more information on prayer and meditation, see this post.

Commitment

Male emperor penguin keeping its egg warm in arctic temperatures

          Commitment sounds like a word that should be lumped together with terms like ‘trudge’ and ‘onerous.’ Yet what it asks of us is more than repaid in the benefits it offers. Commitment provides traction – it enables us to move forward rather than slipping back. Recovery doesn’t allow us to stand still because life doesn’t; we’re constantly forced to adapt or change. The tools we learn (principles and practices) aren’t just for getting us successfully up one mountain, but for training us to become skilled climbers and hikers for wherever life takes us. We continue to live by the spiritual principles of honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, and humility. We are vigilant in practicing self-examination. If our emotions grab us by the scruff of the neck, we pause and question the logic of our thoughts and the motives behind our actions. When we are at fault, we make amends promptly. Our self-centered habit of running from responsibility is replaced by the intention to make different, more self-less choices. We slowly develop integrity (“the state of being whole or undivided”) because the principles we hold begin to match our behavior.

Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose – and commit myself to – what is best for me. 

~ Paulo Coelho

For more information on commitment, see this post.

Amends

A mound of blackberries as a gesture of atonement

          Though we can’t go back and change what we’ve done or said in the past, we can try to bring balance and healing to the present. When atoning for our wrongs, we refrain from shifting the blame away from ourselves and state clearly where we were at fault. If the injured party has something to say, we listen patiently with respect. When the damage involves money or material things, we do our utmost to make restitution. Though we may explain why we are making amends, we avoid trying to impress or engender pity. If there is a beneficial service we can offer or that they request, we do our best to follow through. Our primary goal is restoration as much as possible; a simple apology will rarely be sufficient. Face-to-face amends aren’t always feasible due to geographical distance or death. In these cases, a written letter may be an option. In addition, we augment these actions with a living amends – a genuine, visible change in our present behavior. It is important to do this practice with no expectations of forgiveness. We strive only to mend what has been broken without seeking any advantage for ourselves. Sincerely making amends will lighten our burden of remorse and fear whether our effort is welcomed or refused. 

As long as you live, it is never too late to make amends… Don’t waste your precious life with regrets and sorrow. Find a way to make right what was wrong and then move on. 

~ Karen Hesse

For more information on amends, see this post.

Willingness

Fledgling robin preparing to take flight

          The one attribute recovery requires of everyone is willingness. Positive change must be embraced with as much open-mindedness as possible, followed by the determination to shoulder whatever responsibility such change might demand. We have shown this quality in the progress we’ve made so far. Complete self-sufficiency has been nudged aside, as we made room to accept the wisdom of others. We’ve taken an honest look at our lives and taken aim toward a more spiritual way of living. The next suggestion will require even more from us: the willingness to make amends to those we have harmed in any way. This practice involves making a list of those we’ve hurt, the wrongs done, and how we will try and rectify them. However, as we make our plans, we need to make sure what we say or disclose won’t cause any further damage (including to ourselves). It’s helpful to talk over our list with a mentor, as we are apt to leave off someone we still fear or resent. Here we can cultivate an open mind and heart, realizing what we’re about to do will not only give us a sense of freedom but will lay the foundation for healthy relationships in the future.

We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are. 

~ Max DePree

For more information on willingness, see this post.

Hindrances

Bass with a lure dangling from its mouth

           Though we may be aware that negative character traits provoke our compulsions and addictions, it’s not always easy to let them go. We’ve come to think of them as the soothing balm that gives us what we want, or the forceful fire that burns away what we refuse to accept. Indeed, our rage may temporarily make us feel better than feeling powerless; our denial may briefly take away the sting of the truth. We get hooked into thinking these traits bring us some form of contentment. In reality, they offer only illusion. If we want to unhook ourselves, we need to be aware of the process that gets us to this point. The first stage involves an event that triggers an uncomfortable emotion. We may experience it as a tightening in the chest, numbness, a sinking feeling in the belly, or an energetic flush. Our mind goes into overdrive, shouting at us: “Do something – anything!” Hooks are most easily set when we feel insecure, so we often follow the mind’s suggestion and react. Yet we have another option: to experience the feeling without believing our thoughts. If we focus on the how the body feels instead of the story built around the emotion (“I’m going to lose my job!” “This pain is going to last forever!”), the physical sensation soon fades. When we don’t take the bait our mind generates, we find more space to relax and enjoy life. However this practice will bring a humbling realization: letting go of our hindrances is an ongoing, lifelong endeavor.

That tight feeling has the power to hook us into self-denigration, blame, anger, jealousy and other emotions which lead to words and actions that end up poisoning us. 

~ Pema Chodron

For more information on hindrances, see this post.

Intentions

Lotus seed pod

          Now that we’ve acknowledged that many of our character traits only compound our problems, what do we do with them? Previously we’ve acted on impulse, led by our emotions instead of logic. When we react this way, we plant seeds that will sprout and further entrench us in this behavior. For instance, every time we gossip about someone to ‘bring them down a notch,’ the easier it becomes and the more normal it seems to keep doing it over and over again. At the moment it often feels good; unfortunately, after the moment passes, we may have to deal with the fallout. Intentions can help us in this regard, as they inspire us to respond with a new, more positive action. Like suddenly realizing we need glasses to see clearly, intentions can provide a pause to allow us to view situations from a different perspective. When we feel that emotional rush to act, we can put on our new ‘glasses’ and consider if what we’re about to do is beneficial to us and others in the long run.  If not, we can consider another option. For every hindrance (negative trait) that causes harm, there is an alternative spiritual principle that heals.  Intended action from this viewpoint may be represented by one of these principles: Service, Persistence, Discernment, Trustworthiness, Compassion, Generosity, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Humility, Courage, Open-mindedness, Faith, Honesty, Mindfulness, Simplicity, Acceptance, Contentment, Kindness, Patience, Justice, Commitment, or Equanimity.

Our motivation to do something is the reason or reasons behind that behavior, the source of our desire and the drive to do it… Intention, on the other hand, is always deliberate, an articulation of a conscious goal. We set and reaffirm our best intentions to keep us inclining in the directions we truly mean to go. 

~ Thupten Jinpa

To see more information on intentions, see this post.

Honesty

A snowshoe hare camouflaged by the snow 

When we decide to disclose and review our inventory with someone, we should choose our listener carefully. We want someone who can be objective and compassionate; someone who understands why we are doing this and is capable of keeping a confidence.  Yet why should we be willing to share this personal information with anyone in the first place?

• Holding onto weighty secrets, according to neurosurgeon Gopal Chopra, stresses the cortex of the brain. This conflict causes a surge in cortisol and results in heightened anxiety. Unburdening ourselves to another person is like having a pressure release valve.
• Talking to someone about intimate details of our life is a first step in learning to trust another. When we feel like there is a person we can talk to, we’ll be less likely to isolate when life gets chaotic or difficult.
• An objective listener can point out when we’re minimizing something that is important or dramatizing something that isn’t.
• Another person can help us see the difference between guilt (when we’ve actually done something wrong) and shame (when we feel badly but didn’t create the problem).
• The person we talk to may help us realize we’re not unique in the things we’ve done. He or she can remind us of our strengths and available resources.
• Perhaps the biggest reason to share our story with another is clarity. When we admit the nature of our wrongs, we can acknowledge the common thread behind them: the actions and attitudes that have kept the cycle of our unhealthy behavior going.

If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it. ~ Richard Rohr

For more information on honesty, see this post.

Inventory

Nest with the eggs of a wren, sparrow, and robin

The purpose of a personal inventory is to recognize how our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are tied to our negative habits. Most of us have a tendency to blame situations or other people for our problems instead of considering any part we might have played. This assessment is not meant to shame, but to educate and illuminate. With as much honesty as possible, write down answers (column or story format) to the following questions:

Resentments

• Who or what do I resent?
• Why am I angry?
• Does this affect my security, self-worth or relationships?
• How have I responded – constructively or destructively – to this resentment?
• Has holding on to this anger changed what happened in the past?

Fears

• What do I fear?
• Does this affect my security, self-worth or relationships?
• How have I responded – constructively or destructively – to this fear?
• What actual evidence supports this fear (in the present, not the future)?
• Is this something that feels true but has no facts to back it up?

Relationships

• In what relationships have I caused harm?
• How did I cause harm? Where was I at fault (dishonest, selfish, or unkind)?
• Did I feel frustrated or guilty as a result? How did I handle these feelings?

Looking back at what was written, reflect on these questions:

1. Do I recognize how my emotions can sustain and exacerbate my problems?
2. Can I identify any irrational beliefs?
3. Am I aware of how my self-centered behavior affects my relationships?

Before fixing what you’re looking at, check what you’re looking through. 

~ Mark Nepo

For more information on inventory, see this post.