A Win for Both Sides

Red-necked wallabies - photo by Steve Parish

          Conflicts, often aggressive, arise regularly among group-living animals over issues of food, mating opportunities or social status. Yet cohesion of the group is necessary if it is to cooperate in securing and protecting food sources, defending against predators and sharing information. Scientists have observed post-conflict behavior between members who clashed that engendered reconciliation. Chimpanzees tend to stay in close proximity after a fight, grooming and hugging each other. A study of red-necked wallabies showed a reduction in anxiety related behavior in both aggressor and victim after reconciling through play and grooming. Peace-making within these social groups maximizes the well-being of all its members.

          When thinking about amends, we might assume we're the 'loser' who must submit to whatever humiliation the offended person dishes out. But nothing could be further from the truth; as with the animal groups, both sides benefit from our attempt to repair a relationship. Open-hearted communication allows us to experience how a healthy, balanced connection with other people is sustained. This practice also gives us the opportunity to train with new skills: courage rather than fear, honesty instead of self-justification, and humility rather than arrogance or resentment. Regardless of how our amends are received, we will no longer need to avoid certain people or places because of shame. Restitution can help us rebuild our self-respect. Through this life-long process, we move from self-centeredness to sincerely considering the feelings and views of other people. It's a 'win' for both parties.

For more information on amends, see this post.