The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.
A spiny orb weaver on its web
At times our concern and efforts to help other people can get tangled up with the results we hope to achieve. If a person fails to accept our assistance or apply our advice, we might react by trying harder or using a different approach. Yet once our sense of self-worth or feelings of peace and contentment become tied to the hoped-for result, our ‘help’ can more closely resemble control. Control might take the form of over-protection, unintentionally reinforcing the person’s unhealthy behavior. At the other extreme, we might attempt to manipulate them through threats or shame. At this point, we need help ourselves. Detachment allows us to step back and take a wider view of the situation. It doesn’t mean we become indifferent or uncaring; what we unhook from are our negative emotions (fear, anger, despair) and our irrational thoughts (‘my happiness depends on their behavior’). Detachment helps us realize the only mind we have the power to change is our own. Objectivity makes it clear that we can’t fix anyone. Neither do we have the right to deprive another person of any challenges which might help them learn to be responsible. We may point the way and offer encouragement, but we can’t do the work for them.
The three things I can’t change are the past, the truth and you.
~ Anne Lamott
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