Principles: Forgiveness

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Maple tree releasing a fall leaf

          Forgiveness can feel like we’re letting someone off a hook on which they should hang for all eternity. The irony is that the person actually hooked is the one filled with angry bitterness. Resentment is our greatest obstacle to joy. We operate under the delusion that by holding on to our anger, it will make us feel better, punish the offender, or somehow change what happened. A clear and honest look at our resentments will show evidence to the contrary. The hesitancy to forgive might be caused by misunderstandings about the process itself. Forgiveness means we accept the reality of what has happened and find a way to live peacefully with it. It requires courage and clarity, and it may begin with outrage and grief to honor our loss. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we condone what was done, nor do we have to allow it to happen again. How do we begin to release the rawness of such emotion? It is helpful to stop replaying the incident over and over in our head; such repetition only stokes the fire of anger. Meditation can be a beneficial tool in this regard. It is also useful to remember that there is an injury behind every wrong or shortcoming. We can understand this view by looking at our own faults and the conditions that shaped our subsequent decisions and actions. Acknowledging our own flaws may soften our heart, as we recognize the imperfection of all humans. Perhaps the most important thing to realize is that only in forgiveness we will find relief and peace.

Without forgiveness our lives are chained, forced to carry the sufferings of the past and repeat them with no release. 

~ Jack Kornfield

For more information on forgiveness, see this post.

Healing the Hurt

Nuclear facility in France - photo by Tristan Nitot

          When a site has been contaminated due to heavy metals or radioactive waste, the most widely used remedy involves excavation, removal, and storage. Since available storage for tons of toxic material is limited, researchers have begun to look into phytoremediation. This method uses hyperaccumulators to clean up such contamination - plants that can absorb high concentrations of toxins into their leaves and stems. The plants are later harvested and incinerated; small amounts of ash can then be safely stored. Sunflowers have been useful in removing arsenic as well as radioactive isotopes. Basket willow has shown potential in extracting heavy metals like cadmium, zinc, and copper. Indian mustard can absorb lead, and water hyacinth can take up mercury. Rather than add further hurt to the environment, phytoremediation can help heal it.

          Anger is a normal reaction to a perceived injustice. Used as a positive motivating force with a calm mindset, it can create needed change. Yet instead of righting a wrong and creating the potential for reconciliation, anger often becomes an ongoing cycle of hatred, hurt and misery. To allow healing to begin, we must be aware of the toxic beliefs that perpetuate resentment. Here are some questions worth considering:

1) Is this actually an injustice, or simply a difference of opinion or way of doing things?

2) A surge of anger may leave us feeling briefly empowered, but is it covering a hidden fear that needs to be addressed?

3) Rage can seem like an efficient method to force change, yet doesn't it simply fuel animosity on both sides?

4) We may think our resentment will allow the other person to understand our hurt and pain, but wouldn't honest communication be a more effective approach?

5) A lack of forgiveness can appear to be a way to stand up for our rights and encourage self-respect; however, might self-compassion be a better choice if we're concerned about our well-being?          

For more information on forgiveness, see this post. 

Intentions

Lotus seed pod

          Now that we’ve acknowledged that many of our character traits only compound our problems, what do we do with them? Previously we’ve acted on impulse, led by our emotions instead of logic. When we react this way, we plant seeds that will sprout and further entrench us in this behavior. For instance, every time we gossip about someone to ‘bring them down a notch,’ the easier it becomes and the more normal it seems to keep doing it over and over again. At the moment it often feels good; unfortunately, after the moment passes, we may have to deal with the fallout. Intentions can help us in this regard, as they inspire us to respond with a new, more positive action. Like suddenly realizing we need glasses to see clearly, intentions can provide a pause to allow us to view situations from a different perspective. When we feel that emotional rush to act, we can put on our new ‘glasses’ and consider if what we’re about to do is beneficial to us and others in the long run.  If not, we can consider another option. For every hindrance (negative trait) that causes harm, there is an alternative spiritual principle that heals.  Intended action from this viewpoint may be represented by one of these principles: Service, Persistence, Discernment, Trustworthiness, Compassion, Generosity, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Humility, Courage, Open-mindedness, Faith, Honesty, Mindfulness, Simplicity, Acceptance, Contentment, Kindness, Patience, Justice, Commitment, or Equanimity.

Our motivation to do something is the reason or reasons behind that behavior, the source of our desire and the drive to do it… Intention, on the other hand, is always deliberate, an articulation of a conscious goal. We set and reaffirm our best intentions to keep us inclining in the directions we truly mean to go. 

~ Thupten Jinpa

To see more information on intentions, see this post.

Surviving Arid Periods

Resurrection ferns - photo by B. King

          Among the upper branches of live oaks and other large trees in the southeastern U.S., small ferns are often seen growing. This tree dweller is the Polypodium polypodioides, commonly known as the resurrection fern. It is considered an epiphyte, meaning it derives moisture and nutrients from the rain and air. These plants use creeping rhizomes to anchor themselves to tree bark but do not damage their tree host. The fern's common name refers to its adaptive response to dry weather. It is able to survive a 97% loss of its water content without dying; the fern fronds counter by curling inward and turning brown. However, an increase in humidity or rainfall will cause the fern to uncurl and regain its green color.

          Like the tree ferns, we can go through 'droughts' in our recovery when the fizz of our enthusiasm goes stale and flat. What can we do to revive our commitment to our framework of principles and practices?

1. Nurture a few close friendships with people in recovery. We all need someone who will encourage us and give us honest feedback.

2. The knowledge and experience that we have can be shared with someone new on the path. Being a mentor means we'll have to practice what we teach.

3. Bodies need sufficient sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Without these, our energy level and mood will suffer.

4. Using what we enjoy can change drudgery to play. Combine a creative element (music, writing, art, craft, etc.) with the path of recovery.

5. Deepen the spiritual aspect of recovery through personal study and the application of spiritual tools.

6. Daily self-assessment checks can keep us aware of patterns in our thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Reflection on our interactions with others can show us where amends and forgiveness are needed.

7. A daily log of small joys experienced can turn the mind toward what is positive.

For more information on commitment, see this post.

Index by Topic

Goslings underfoot - B. King

Click on a number to go to that post:

Powerlessness (Step One) - 1 & 2

Surrender (Step Two) - 1 & 2

Choices (Step Three) - 1 & 2

Inventory (Step Four) - 1 & 2

Honesty (Step Five) - 1 & 2

Intentions (Step Six) - 1 & 2

Hindrances (Step Seven) - 1 & 2 

Willingness (Step Eight) - 1 & 2 

Amends (Step Nine) - 1 & 2

Commitment (Step Ten) - 1 & 2

Prayer and Meditation (Step Eleven) - 1 & 2

Service (Step Twelve) - 1 & 2

Principles:

13) Discernment - 1 & 2

14) Trustworthiness - 1 & 2

15) Compassion and Kindness - 1 & 2

16) Generosity - 1 & 2

17) Humility - 1 & 2

18) Forgiveness - 1 & 2

19) Gratitude - 1 & 2

20) Courage - 1 & 2

21) Faith - 1 & 2

22) Simplicity - 1 & 2

23) Mindfulness - 1 & 2

24) Open-mindedness - 1 & 2

25) Patience - 1 & 2

26) Contentment - 1 & 2

27) Tolerance - 1 & 2

28) Detachment - 1 & 2

29) Acceptance - 1 & 2

30) Equanimity - 1 & 2

Amends

A mound of blackberries as a gesture of atonement

          Though we can’t go back and change what we’ve done or said in the past, we can try to bring balance and healing to the present. When atoning for our wrongs, we refrain from shifting the blame away from ourselves and state clearly where we were at fault. If the injured party has something to say, we listen patiently with respect. When the damage involves money or material things, we do our utmost to make restitution. Though we may explain why we are making amends, we avoid trying to impress or engender pity. If there is a beneficial service we can offer or that they request, we do our best to follow through. Our primary goal is restoration as much as possible; a simple apology will rarely be sufficient. Face-to-face amends aren’t always feasible due to geographical distance or death. In these cases, a written letter may be an option. In addition, we augment these actions with a living amends – a genuine, visible change in our present behavior. It is important to do this practice with no expectations of forgiveness. We strive only to mend what has been broken without seeking any advantage for ourselves. Sincerely making amends will lighten our burden of remorse and fear whether our effort is welcomed or refused. 

As long as you live, it is never too late to make amends… Don’t waste your precious life with regrets and sorrow. Find a way to make right what was wrong and then move on. 

~ Karen Hesse

For more information on amends, see this post.