Principles: Compassion and Kindness

The following cards (#13-30) are additional spiritual principles and practices that can be essential in recovery.

Prairie dogs greeting each other

          Compassion requires courage, attention, and patience; it can be described as the willingness to sit with suffering without running or ducking. The door to compassion unlocks when we resolve to be open to our own pain, acknowledging it as a natural part of life. However, self-compassion should not be confused with a 'woe is me' frame of mind or self-indulgent behavior. Instead, we begin by being gentle with ourselves while neither exaggerating nor dismissing our pain. As we come to understand that we are not unique in our suffering, we move beyond a self-centered focus and see our connection to others (pain is universal). Bearing witness to another person's pain can create a feeling of vulnerability in us. As a result, compassion can masquerade as pity or despair. Pity puts up a wall of separation between us and the other person. Although we feel sorry for them, we refuse to accept their pain as a reflection of our own. At the other extreme, despair immerses us completely in the suffering of the other person; we become overwhelmed by the emotion. Neither approach is constructive because they make us blind to any strengths and resources that might provide relief. Even when circumstances cannot be changed, caring attention can provide the support needed to move through suffering. Compassion opens the heart wide to all of life’s experiences, joy included. Tonglen practice (from the Buddhist tradition) is one way to help us cultivate this quality.

          Kindness means that our caring attitude leads to benevolent action. In order for our actions to be benevolent, they should have no hidden agendas; our goodwill should not be tied to any expectations. To do otherwise would mean our behavior is simply selfish. Neither is kindness is meant to be doled out to those who look like us or share our beliefs, as this too is self-serving. How can we be caring when we don’t feel all warm and fuzzy toward a person? Some people or groups can seem undeserving of kindness. In these situations, it may be helpful to remember that life is hard for everyone, even if we can’t see past the outer wrappings.  Loving-kindness meditation is useful in developing kindness, particularly toward those folks we find hard to tolerate. There may be times, however, when the most helpful action is no action - when our aid might enable unhealthy behavior. Discernment can clarify what action is likely to be beneficial in the long run.

Seeing kindness as profound and powerful helps us differentiate kindness and niceness. When someone looks at us with the concern of kindness, we feel seen. There is a sense of connection that is being mutually recognized, and in that we feel our value as humans.

~ Sharon Salzberg

For more information on compassion and kindness, see this post.